The month of May

Last month was a hard one. I don't think I have cried that much in a long time. I finally had my emotional release that I have been holding back sense Carters accident and diagnoses of Leukodestrophy. After Carter broke his collar bone he screamed for a week straight. He would cry even if you touched him. I held strong for about five days until I could not hold it in anymore. I realized that I was full of all different emotions. I was scared, mad, bitter, angry, upset and down right just pissed off. As I lifted Carter out of bed, the bath tub, the chair he was sitting in I realized that this could very well be my life in a few years. How in the world am I going to be able to do this? How am I going to watch my child slowly change in front of me. I was mad at everyone, even the people who where trying to be nice to me. It took me a good day of shutting my self in my room and doing nothing to get it out of my system for now.

How do I move on from this? How do I go day after day with the knowlege that my child has a horrible disses and that my other children could have it also? The only answer I could come up with is that we all came to earth because we wanted to. We came here to have the experience of having a body. We chose to come and have trials so we could grow and learn. It is what we do with these trials that help shape us. It can either make us stronger or weaker. So I chose and choose to make me stronger. Does it suck? Yes it does!

I know that I will have the opportunity to learn more from Car. But for right now I take it one day at a time.